you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
