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4 words: hood of his car
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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