i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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