mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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