If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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