I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
