I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
