DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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