It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
