Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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