You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
