Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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