ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
