It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
