Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
