She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize