she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My penis needs a shock collar
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
