Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
