I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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