your room smells of hookers.
And success
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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