just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
