dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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