So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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