I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i just google imaged poop.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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