im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
