Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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