the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize