my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
