My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
