Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Bring me that man meat
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
