I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
