wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
