I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
