So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
