Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
