The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
