at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize