when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
