I cannot find my penis.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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