Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Randomize
