So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
