My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
