I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
