I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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