Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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