Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I need to align my fucking chakras
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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