Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
