it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize