I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
