I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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