I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
