Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
