I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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