first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize