I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
