her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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