He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
