Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
