You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
