Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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