My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
