I showed him my bush... on skype.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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